


Apparition

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First War with Voldemort OR Second War with Voldemort, Order of the Phoenix - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-08
Updated: 2007-03-08
Packaged: 2018-10-26 16:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10789923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Remus deals with a sudden breakup





	Apparition

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

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****APPARITION** **

 

XXXXXXX

 

** ** FRIDAY ** **

 

Remus coughed as he woke. The blankets were tangled around his feet and in an attempt to free himself, he fell out of bed, clunking his head on the corner of his bedside table.

 

“Eugh!” he cried as the pain split across the back of his head.

 

“You should be more careful.”

 

Remus looked up and blinked through the sunlight streaming through the window next to his bed. 

 

“How long have you been in my bedroom? Did you ever leave last night?”

 

Lily Potter smiled and crouched down next to Remus on the floor. Her red hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she had a small dusting of freckles across her nose.

 

“I’ve been here a while. It’s past noon, you know.”

 

Remus shrugged. “I broke the clock.”

 

“I know. We’re worried about you, Remus. You need to at least get out of the flat. Go visit your parents. Eat a proper meal.”

 

“I ate last night.”

 

“No, you didn’t.”

 

Remus shrugged again. “Please, leave me alone. I don’t want your sympathy. It doesn’t do any good anymore. It’s useless.”

 

“If I leave now, I can’t ever come back.”

 

“That’s fine. Just go. __Go__.”

 

Lily sighed and nodded. “I love you, Remus. Everything’ll work out. I promise. But please get some fresh air. Try to accept that Sirius isn’t coming home.”

 

“Get out, Lily. He left me and I need to deal with it in my own time.”

 

“He loved you.”

 

“Yeah? Then why the hell did he – you know what? I don’t want to talk about this. We’ve exhausted this subject. You need to go.”

 

“There’s something really, really important I need to tell you. It’s about Sirius. I told James to talk to you about it, but he said he didn’t. It’s important. Sirius really, really loves you—”

 

“Lily, I don’t want you to give me excuses. Sirius walked out of this flat on his own. No one prodded him to do so. I certainly didn’t tell him to leave. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.”

 

“He loves you, he really, truly does, but he couldn’t—”

 

“No, Lily! I can’t talk about this anymore! LEAVE!”

 

Remus turned his head away from Lily and closed his eyes. He waited, the pain in his head throbbing; he needed to get a good potion and it was times like this that made him lonely for the halls of Hogwarts and Madam Pomfrey’s medical expertise.

 

When he finally opened his eyes, Lily was no longer there. He sighed – partly in relief, partly in frustration. Now he was truly alone in his flat. It was once __their__ flat, his and Sirius’, but Sirius left and had no plans to come back.

 

With a loud growl, Remus’ stomach began to protest. He hadn’t eaten properly in a week. It took a lot of resolve to take a shower and dress, but Remus threw on a coat and did a drying spell on his hair. He looked through the flat for his scarf and found it in the kitchen. He tripped over the pile of old mail sitting on the floor, but managed to right himself before he fell and hit his head for the second time.

 

He didn’t bother locking the flat, almost welcoming anyone to come inside and lie in wait for his return. The air was cold and even though it wasn’t quite winter, it was still very chilly. It felt good to be outside, to be away from all the memories of Sirius inside his flat. He was still sad and angry and depressed, but at least he was out of the house. At least this was progress.

 

** ** THURSDAY ** **

 

The __Daily Prophet__ had been delivered everyday, but Remus ignored them. They were still rolled up, the dates and headlines in clear view. Several owls came for him, but they were all unopened. The only exception was the first one which came on Monday; it had been from Dumbledore and thinking about it, even now, three days later, made Remus sick.

 

He sat at the kitchen table and pushed the letters and newspapers over the edge. They fell to the tiled floor and laid there; Remus had zero intention of picking them up.

 

It was already growing dark outside. The moon was getting larger every night. Next week would be the full moon, the first without Sirius in a long time. It wasn’t fair that Sirius left him like this. All he wanted was an explanation. They were best mates, lovers, but the last memory Remus had was of Sirius’ back, walking out the front door, hair past his shoulders, tucked underneath his old Gryffindor scarf.

 

In front of him was a bowl of soup. Remus had made it two hours ago and he still hadn’t finished it. It was lumpy and now his saltines were soggy and no good to eat at all.

 

“I wish you’d eat.”

 

“I didn’t hear you come in.”

 

Lily sat down. “I’m a witch, aren’t I? It’s not like I have to go knocking on your door, now is it?”

 

Remus shook his head. “Checking up on me?”

 

“Yes. James told me how upset you were yesterday and he’s not very good with the emotional side of things, so I thought I might try to offer some help.”

 

“That’s not necessary. I’m fine.”

 

“You’re going to be nothing but bones if you don’t eat.”

 

Remus put down his spoon and covered his eyes with the palms of his hands. “I hate this. I hate that you and James have gone away and I hate that Sirius left me. I don’t understand it. I used to see you every day and I can accept that now I’ll never see you again. But Sirius – I can’t accept that he’s gone.”

 

“He loved you. You were the only person he was ever in love with. He was blinded by love for you.”

 

“No, he wasn’t. If he loved me he never would have left me. He said he loved me and I believed him. I still want him to come home, even though he left.”

 

Lily sighed. “Oh, Remus. I don’t think he’s coming back. I wish I knew what he was thinking, but, really, who knows what that boy thinks? Eat something. You’re going to get sick if you don’t eat.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Remus got up from the table and shuffled into his room. “If you’re going, then go. If you’re staying, there’s the sofa.”

 

Going into his bedroom, Remus felt an inordinate amount of anger. He wanted to hit something, to scream, to fight. There was nothing in the room that offered any comfort. Finally, he picked up the old alarm clock and threw it against the wall. It hit and broke, springs and parts falling out of its broken face.

 

Remus fell into bed and almost immediately to sleep now that some of his anger had subsided. His dreams were restless and disturbing, making it hard to breathe. He tossed and turned, his blankets getting tangled around his legs.

 

** **WEDNESDAY** **

 

“I came to see how you were doing, but I can’t stay long.”

 

Remus looked up at James. He sat in the corner of the sofa, a blanket around his shoulders. His nose was red and stuffy, his eyes swollen. A mug of day-old tea sat on the end table. 

 

“I wish I had known about you and Sirius sooner.”

 

“He wanted to keep it a secret,” said Remus quietly. “I did, too, matter of fact. It seemed easier to pretend we were flatmates instead of . . .”

 

“Lovers?” supplied James. He laughed uneasily. “It seems so strange. I thought if I ever had to console one of my mates after a breakup it would be over a girl.”

 

“It wasn’t a breakup. He left. No explanation. Just gone.” New tears leaked out of Remus’ eyes. “How is anyone supposed to deal with that?”

 

James shook his head. “I don’t know. Lily said I should talk to you. I thought she told you when she was here before, but since she didn’t—”

 

“I don’t want to hear any of Lily’s advice. I’m sick of advice. I want to be left alone. You are making me crazy. I don’t want to see you anymore. I want to get through this on my own. I haven’t done anything alone in a while. At Hogwarts you were all there since I was fifteen with the full moons and after Hogwarts I lived with Peter for a few months and then with Sirius after that. . . . I need to be here, alone. A- _ _lone__. Okay?”

 

James sighed.

 

Remus coughed out more tears and turned his head away from James. James reminded him so much of Sirius and that was something he didn’t need reminding of.

 

** **TUESDAY** **

The mail from Sunday was still on the table. He had taken a look at the __Prophet__ on Sunday and that same afternoon had begun his seclusion. The letters kept coming and he could only imagine what they said. He couldn’t deal with the mail.

 

If there was one thing Remus didn’t like, it was tea. It was mad, of course, because everyone he knew drank tea. It was a staple in Sirius and his flat. He made himself a mug-full of it, pouring in ample amounts of honey to sweeten it. He took two sips and placed it on the table next to the sofa.

 

There was a large window in the small lounge and Remus looked through it. The view was nothing spectacular. It was rather dull, in fact – mostly the backs of larger buildings in the middle of London.

 

He felt Lily’s presence behind him. She had come to visit him on Sunday and this was the second time and it was already driving him mad.

 

“You’re here again.”

 

“Look at me, Remus.”

 

“If I can’t see you, then you’re not really there and I can go on pretending I’m alone again.”

 

“But I’m here so not looking at me won’t change that.”

 

“Go back to Godric’s Hollow or wherever you’re supposed to be.”

 

“I can’t leave until I know that everyone here is good. I need to know everyone is safe and happy. There’s not much time before I can never come back – I feel it. It’s coming soon.”

 

“Lily—”

 

“I don’t want you to be all alone, Remus. I want you to be happy. Harry’s too young to listen to my advice, but you’re – are you crying?”

 

“No.”

 

“I think I have to go, Remus. I’ll try to come back tomorrow.”

 

“I don’t want to see you anymore.”

 

“What about James?”

 

“James?” Remus sighed. “That might be worse.”

 

When he finally turned around, Lily had already gone.

 

** **MONDAY** **

His whole body felt numb and after a night full of bad dreams, Remus finally got up to get something to drink.

 

He filled a water glass and looked through the cabinets. There was entirely too much tea. He had no idea what to do with all this tea. Sirius was the tea drinker, but Sirius wasn’t here.

 

A familiar-looking owl soared in through the open window, landing on top of yesterday’s newspaper. Remus took the letter from its beak. The handwriting on the envelope was unmistakably Dumbledore’s.

 

 

__Remus –_ _

 

__Events like these are oftentimes unexpected. I know it is hard to think of celebrating when you feel nothing but tragedy. Indeed, I am not myself entirely sure “celebration” is the appropriate reaction. One day, I fear, we will be faced once again with these exact circumstances._ _

__As of today, the Order has disbanded. If there is room for another victory in the future, I hope I can call on your services._ _

__You are indeed a great wizard and an even greater friend._ _

__Yours Truly,_ _

__Albus_ _

 

 

While Remus knew Dumbledore’s words to be sincere, they were not words he wished to read. He crumpled up the note, but didn’t throw it away. He tossed it on top of the other letters and went back to bed.

 

** ** SUNDAY ** **

 

The __Daily Prophet__ lay on the kitchen table where the owl had dropped it. Remus didn’t open it; he was too worried about why he had woken up alone. Sirius never came home last night, which was something that happened, though not often. Usually, it was when Sirius got so pissed he had to sleep it off on James’ sofa. That was probably what happened this time. There was an unusual amount of mail on the table, but Remus ignored it, figuring it was all for Sirius – it normally was.

 

Remus began making his usual cup of afternoon coffee when he heard something coming from the other room. He quickly went into the living room, where the front door was, thinking that it was Sirius.

 

“Lily,” said Remus, surprised. “What’re you doing here?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t think I have much time.”

 

“Are you even supposed to be out? I thought the point was for you and James and Harry to stay hidden.”

 

“Oh, Remus.” Lily swallowed. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, which was odd because she usually had it down around her shoulders. “I couldn’t leave – not until I knew everyone I loved was taken care of. James is looking after Harry right now, but I don’t know how much time we have here. I think it’s very, very limited. I wanted to make sure you’re all right now that you’re alone.”

 

“Alone?” Remus’ pulse quickened. “What are you talking about? Alone? Lily?”

 

“Don’t blame Sirius. It wasn’t his fault.”

 

“What was his fault? Lily, __what did Sirius do__?”

 

Lily looked confused. “You didn’t read the _Daily Prophet_?”

 

Remus’ eyes widened and he shook his head. “Today? No, not yet. Should I?” He took off for the kitchen before Lily answered. He looked at the paper.

 

__Sunday, 1 November 1981_ _

__SPECIAL EDITION_ _

 

His eyes were glued to the headline: YOU KNOW WHO DEFEATED.

 

He scanned the rest of the article _. . . _late last night . . . Harry Potter survives . . . only one year of age . . . before He Who Must Not Be Named’s death . . . James and Lily Potter killed . . . Avada Kedavra . . . the Killing Curse . . . only witness . . . Harry Potter . . . death of Peter Pettigrew . . . capture and arrest of Sirius Black . . ._ _

 

Remus nearly choked. Avada Kedavra? Lily and James dead? Sirius arrested? Remus whirled around and went back to the living room, but Lily had already gone. What was she? A ghost? An apparition? She had said she didn’t have much time. She had said not to blame Sirius, but how could he not? Sirius was their Secret-Keeper!

 

Running to the bathroom, Remus threw up in the toilet. He stayed there for several hours, riding the waves of nausea and trying to make sense of everything that happened. James and Lily were betrayed by Sirius. __Sirius__. The man Remus had loved for the last two years, the man he lived with, the man he made love to nearly every day. It was mad. It didn’t make sense.

 

The realization hit him hard, like a cold slap in the face. He was all alone. His friends were dead; Sirius was arrested. He had no one except the owl hooting around in the kitchen and the ghosts of his friends.

 

** **SATURDAY** **

 

“I’m going to check out Godric’s Hollow.”

 

“I didn’t think you were supposed to tell me where James and Lily are,” reminded Remus.

 

Sirius shrugged. “To find them, you’d have to know the house. If their Secret-Keeper doesn’t tell you the house then you can look right in the windows and never see them. I want to know what kind of Death Eater activity is around the town. That’s all.”

 

“Hmm,” hummed Remus. “Be careful.”

 

“You know that chocolate I gave you last month? It was from a store in Godric’s Hollow. If you don’t worry about me too much I might bring some more back to you.”

 

“Really?” Remus smiled. The past several months had been a strain on their relationship. Remus wasn’t sure he trusted Sirius and he was fairly convinced Sirius no longer fully trusted him. But he couldn’t let go. He loved Sirius more than he thought it was possible to love anyone and once the war was over he thought they could go back to being how they once were: happy and carefree.

 

Sirius took his old, worn Gryffindor scarf and wrapped it around his neck, his long hair hidden underneath the red and gold stripes.

 

“I love you,” he said, suddenly seeming very grave. “You know that, right?”

 

Remus nodded. “I know.”

 

Sirius bent down and kissed Remus’ mouth. It was slow, but loving. It was a kiss of comfort and reassurance. 

 

“I’ll come back as soon as I can.”

 

Remus nodded. “I love you, too.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Remus nodded again. “Yeah.”

 

Sirius smiled. “Cool.”

 

He walked out of the front door. Remus kept his eyes on Sirius’ back until he couldn’t see it anymore.

 

XXXXXXX

 

****End.** **

 

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